The high emissions clown car world we are doing our utmost to destroy is looking for a tree to wrap itself around.
Unfortunately the last tree standing denies us of our right to pulp it and is in hiding like a coward somewhere high on an inaccessible ledge on a remote mountainside protected by a sixteen year old climate activist/terrorist/member of the establishment/insert your own expletive.
Although like Obi Wan Kenobi, this little trouble maker may become stronger if she is cut down, the cowardly tree she is protecting will not. In fact it has already been ear marked for loo roll for some frat boy club who, for a laugh and because they can, want to use it in a meaningless jape as is their right. The manufacture of plastic loo roll will create jobs and wealth which as always, will trickle down to the lowest and laziest members of society.
Despite its sharp edges it looks like loo roll and has the extra benefit of recyclability. It can be reused time and time again before being fed into the sea for the dolphins to play with as reward for being cute and not yet dying out.
The culprit for all things worthy of outrage is widely acknowledged to be a sinister movement called the Global E.L.I.T.E. They are a James Bond-esque group of über villains and privileged ne’er do wells bent on the destruction of human kind. The E.L.I.T.E. like SPECTRE is a shape shifting group hiding in plain sight and taking every single opportunity to turn humankind against itself for no apparent reason.
The acronym is interpreted differently by each and every person who reads it but for the purposes of this piece means Every Liberal Is The Enemy. The dyslexic branch has a slightly different reading of it as ‘Only I Know How Things Should Be Done’ and an offshoot of that group No You Don’t You Arrogant Toffs, I Do, has entered the fray with its own interpretation.
Some members are known to the public at large and belong to a particularly malignant subset called the Metropolitan E.L.I.T.E. The list of suspects has been honed down to a few key players in the media, the arts, the judiciary and almost anybody who ever appeared on one of the loosely termed ‘comedy’ panel shows. With the high prices of hollowed out volcanoes these days, they now reside in their hollowed out souls instead. Topping the list is probably the most dangerous member of all who hides cunningly behind his education and good manners; Stephen Fry.
Mr Fry/Blofeld is clearly using all the tools available to him to appear just a luvvie but these very tools are themselves the tell tale trademarks of the highest echelons of the E.L.I.T.E. Do not be fooled by the thin veil of his disguise as a London black cab driver as he often strays beyond the limits of the M25.
If that weren’t enough, he is privately educated and consequently a silk scarf wearing Oxbridgian, a self declared actor, Apple enthusiast, writer, atheist, homosexual, intellectual and too clever by half, ticking every single box for the elitist of the E.L.I.T.E.
The antidote to the E.L.I.T.E. can be found in very few places. One such place is so humble and Zen-like it was perfect at inception and has remained largely unchanged ever since, constantly eschewing the ethereal fashions of progress. This place is the well known seat of working peoples’ rights and equality; it is Eton School in the run down back streets of rough old Windsor.
This is the place that has given the UK a regular supply of freedom fighters such as the current Prime Minister who has put the bollocks back into hyperbolic in his quest to free the UK and its downtrodden serfs from the shackles of the E.L.I.T.E.
Prime Minister Johnson is one of the truest working class heroes of the age and his skilful use of the rules put in place by the E.L.I.T.E. for their own benefit is fitting of a latter day William Wallace. He will no doubt stoically accept such a fate as befell Wallace if he fails in his endeavours to stop Fry’s dastardly plans.
The poor old UK is not alone in its struggle and other countries have their own branches of the E.L.I.T.E. Only recently Canada awoke from its woke trance to realise that the privately educated son of former Canadian Prime Minister, the current Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, is probably the branch chief of Canada’s E.L.I.T.E. So elitist in fact is this evil genius that he dared to make mistakes as a younger man without bothering to clear up the evidence. In fact he has used the age old tactic of distraction to hide his membership by wearing ridiculous socks and bleating about human rights whilst all the time hiding his true face under boot polish as a wacky younger man.
He is a shameless scoundrel who only rightly will be judged a racist for the long overlooked crimes of fancy dress and poor taste. It is never too late to hang ‘em high and fortunately south of Canada lies the greatest of all anti E.L.I.T.E. warriors and all round working class hero; President Donald J Trump. A man so dedicated to the cause that he has had to fight being born into great wealth and privilege to become the most serious of freedom fighters the world has ever known.
He fights day and night on Twitter to free racists from the imposition of political correctness gone mad as he strives to free the oil and gas reserves from their underground imprisonment. His dedication to freeing the world from the bondage of common decency is unprecedented and he runs the constant risk of becoming unpresidented into the bargain. A martyr in the making, there is little doubt. Fortunately others wait in the wings to carry on the fight if this colossus falls short of outright victory.
Fry and his evildoers in cahoots with pre-pubescent and teenage climate change activists are facing the biggest fight of their lives but that last tree will come down whether little Obi Wan clings to it or not. Finally, perhaps in a generation or two with the anti E.L.I.T.E. baton passed on to new warriors, the World will be free of regulations, liberated from its environment, emancipated from human rights, coastlines, flora and fauna and left in the caring hands of tech billionaires.
It will form a part of a beautifully filtered digital landscape of 1s and 0s fertilised with the data of happy internet users who charitably give up the burdens of freedom for a wonderful future contendedly plugged into themselves.
